Sometimes I feel so strong. I can endure it, keep my head up and a smile on my face. I have faith that the Lord's hand is in this. I know that without a doubt. It is the course I sometimes question. I know that our sweet & precious baby will find us. I feel that. Deeply.
Kris and I talked about it today. The things you are thinking, but don't want to say out loud because then it is there. The cold, hurtful truth. We both feel it, know it. I wish it wasn't so.
Today, I am not strong. I am weak, frail and breakable. Maybe slightly broken. My heart is cracked...into pieces. So many pieces.
Why? Why do people say things and not realize that if they change their mind it could crush someone. crush.
Why do I let their words into my heart? Instead I need to let them float outside of it....keep them out. Close, but out. How do I though?
It is nearly impossible to go throughout the days without falling to my knees. Feeling my Heavenly Father hug me. It warms and comforts me. Makes the hurt go away. The Temple, oh how I love going. Feeling his love and being able to put this all into a bigger perspective helps the hurt stop for a period. I know He knows what is best for Kris and I. I know I am closer to my Father than I have been before this all began. I am grateful for that.
I still hurt though.
I needed this. Thank you for sending it to me! I love you!
8 comments:
I KNOW what you are feeling. Only someone who has gone through adoption knows the extreme highs and the extreme LOWS that we go through. It is hard sometimes to see that there is a light at the end. The SUN WILL COME!! I know it is hard to be patient. I know it is hard to hear someone say...it is worth it because at the time it seems not so. I will pray for you. You WILL someday feel that it was worth it...but until then keep your head up.
Cami
This makes my heart ache. I want this so badly for you and I wish it were somehow easier. You are such an amazing person. I love you to pieces and will keep you and Kris in my prayers.
We have been through the heart ache of adoption in Matthew's family, but from a different perspective. My sis-in-law decided to give up her third child. Emma went to a darling LDS couple for 28 days. The father of Emma decided he did not want to give her up, and the sweet couple had to give her back right before things would have really been official. It was so HARD! My heart ached for that couple, and for my sister-in-law who had made that decision to only have it all interrupted by a man who had no involvement with his children. Our family of course loves Emma and is glad she is a part of us...but it was just so unfair on all sides. I have been thinking a lot lately about my friends and family that I know who have lost children, or can't have children. I wish no one had to suffer heart ache from these things, but am so glad we have the gospel to rely on. I hope you feel my love and prayers for you :)
M and K,
I want you to know that my little family and I are sending prayers your way. I posted your button on my blog. Wishing you all the strength and comfort at this hard time. You two are such a beautiful couple. It will happen. I have 2 beautiful success stories in my family. I know you'll have some in yours too. XX
Kelly
Kelly
OH the prayers I say for you two to have the birth mother find you.....
you are so strong.......so strong.
remember that i found that talk from Elder Maxwell when i was in israel over 12 years ago...it is by my bed and i read it about once a week...if not more! i LOVE it.
i LOVE you guys!
heather.
MiRanda you are such a strong girl and although I don't know exactly how you are feeling at this point in time I know that I can relate in some small ways. My heart goes out to you and Kris and I just want you to know that once it does all come together you will forget all this pain and welcome all of the JOY that you ever thought was possible. I hope that you have the best holiday season!
You are in my thoughts and prayers MiRanda. I'd love to follow you on your blog still... kami.tressler@gmail.com
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