Today I am sad
Several times throughout the day
I found myself holding back tears as I watched
countless little families at church.
Sometimes the ache runs so deep and I'm never prepared for it.
I think what brought It on was our recent decision to take a break...
a break from all the pills,
the shots,
multiple weekly appointments,
a break from hearing nothing new but the facts we already know,
a break from the schedule
constant let downs,
negative tests,
constant nausea,
a break from NEVER feeling well.
Making a conscious choice to throw in the towel,
give up and be done has not been easy!
I have been fighting this with all I have, wanting to do EXACTLY what the doctors say,
even if it means I'll be throwing up all day long for 3 weeks straight,
gaining weight even when I'm not eating,
I'll do it!
If it means that at some point I will be able to have a sweet little spirit bless our home
and our eternal life I can face the challenge.
I will do anything!
(I have)
Kris has thrown the idea out there that if I need a break from all of this he has got my back,
he will support me no matter what.
We r a team and I am so blessed to have that.
I know it is hard for him to sit and watch me sick and there is nothing he can do.
Not long ago I was driving
and
just like that I knew the time had come.
I NEED A BREAK!
I truly need to just take care of me,
get back to the old me,
the me who I miss and I am sure Kris misses!
I just need a break from all of it.
It is just so hard,
I feel like I'm a quitter,
I have been beaten down and gave in.
I just am at a loss for words of how we have gone nearly three years of fighting this fight
and still are standing in the same place.
We both need this.
I feel that.
It's been five days since I have stopped all my med's
and...
I am realizing just how awful I truly always felt.
I am loving not feeling sick or battling constant nausea.
But still deep down my heart is crying for it....
It is so hard to just sit and do nothing....
Several times throughout the day
I found myself holding back tears as I watched
countless little families at church.
Sometimes the ache runs so deep and I'm never prepared for it.
I think what brought It on was our recent decision to take a break...
a break from all the pills,
the shots,
multiple weekly appointments,
a break from hearing nothing new but the facts we already know,
a break from the schedule
constant let downs,
negative tests,
constant nausea,
a break from NEVER feeling well.
Making a conscious choice to throw in the towel,
give up and be done has not been easy!
I have been fighting this with all I have, wanting to do EXACTLY what the doctors say,
even if it means I'll be throwing up all day long for 3 weeks straight,
gaining weight even when I'm not eating,
I'll do it!
If it means that at some point I will be able to have a sweet little spirit bless our home
and our eternal life I can face the challenge.
I will do anything!
(I have)
Kris has thrown the idea out there that if I need a break from all of this he has got my back,
he will support me no matter what.
We r a team and I am so blessed to have that.
I know it is hard for him to sit and watch me sick and there is nothing he can do.
Not long ago I was driving
and
just like that I knew the time had come.
I NEED A BREAK!
I truly need to just take care of me,
get back to the old me,
the me who I miss and I am sure Kris misses!
I just need a break from all of it.
It is just so hard,
I feel like I'm a quitter,
I have been beaten down and gave in.
I just am at a loss for words of how we have gone nearly three years of fighting this fight
and still are standing in the same place.
We both need this.
I feel that.
It's been five days since I have stopped all my med's
and...
I am realizing just how awful I truly always felt.
I am loving not feeling sick or battling constant nausea.
But still deep down my heart is crying for it....
It is so hard to just sit and do nothing....
20 comments:
I'm sorry to hear that your heart is crying. I will keep you and Kris in my prayers. Love you!
Oh MiRanda, I love you tons! I wish I could give you a big hug right now. You are amazing, how I wish I could take the hurt away. I'm so glad you have Kris, I couldn't ask for someone better to take care of my BFF!
MiRand, my heart, prayers and thoughts are with you. These kind of struggles are so very difficult and very few people understand the aches and pains you've written about. I too wish that I could give you what you want so desperately. Please know that I love you and I know that you will get through this beautifully.
Hang in there!!! You will be able to get over this and get yourself well so that your body can heal and be ready to support the little bundle you guys will raise. Be patient. I know that you are probably sick of hearing that, but it is true. That is one thing I have had to work on many times. Some good news I can share in that I have a friend who has been trying just as long as you have and she didn't even know she was pregnant. She is now two months along. Miricles happen all the time. I know that yours is very close. LOVE!
i feel your pain we have been so blessed with our one little girl who isn't so little anymore she is 5 now and we have been trying for 4 years and it took 7 long years to get her here, be strong and everything will work out for you guys :) your blog and work you do for all those in need is truley amazing.
MiRanda,
I cant say anymore than what anyone else has said. We all have our trials, and we all wonder why. I KNOW you can do this because YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!! You are an inspiration to me in so many ways MiR!! I love you!
I just want to give you a big hug!!! I love you to death. You have the strength to get through this, as you have proven thus far. You and Kris make an amazing team and I know you are coming out on top!
Hang in there friend. I'll keep yo in my prayers.
My last comment was ment to say you not yo. I promise that I know how to read and write.
MiRanda, you deserve a break. And should not feel guilty about that in any way! Do NOT say that you are doing 'nothing'... you are doing everything physically & emotionally possible, and taking care of yourself is an important part of that.
I'm so sorry. Kris is such an amazing person and the perfect person to keep his chin up and everyone else's around him as well..... Again, you're in great hands. This too shall pass. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Love to you both!
I certainly don't think you're a quitter are you kidding me? After all that you've been through you deserve a break, and so does your body and it might do your body some good, who knows. (Maybe everyone else said the same thing but I was too lazy to read their comments) I really do regularly keep you in my prayers!
Just always remember you are loved and people are praying for you!
You are not a quitter, you are just the bravest and most diligent person I know!. I hope you can get a little bit of yourself back and enjoy some time with Mr. Kris :) I am sending my love your way!
Oh Miranda. I didn't know you were fighting such a fight! It just doesn't seem fair that so many deserving couples have this problem. I am so sorry. Sometimes it just takes time, and most of the time it's not the time that we have in mind, it's up to someone elses time table :) It took a long time for us and even had a miscarriage along the way. Looking back on it all I know it happened on the Lord's time for a reason. We will be praying for you!!
My heart hurts for you. You are one of the sweetest people I have ever met.... I just know that this will all work out... I guess that's easy to say when I am not the one going through all of your pain. Hang in there!
MiRanda, I commend you on your honesty!!! I wish I could be as bold as you!!! It's hard to give words of comfort & support when it's something that I've never experienced. I know that you are LOVEd, by MANY, and that you have such AMAZING blessing in store!!! Always remember the LOVE that is around you & the family that you DO have!!!!
Much LOVEs & sympathy!!!!
My heart aches for you. I so know the emotions that you are having. But breaks are good for the body, mind and soul.
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